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Girls Unscripted

nothing good can come from this

October 20, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on Why does that bitch have to one-up me all the time?!

Why does that bitch have to one-up me all the time?!

So we went to eat crab legs at Across the Creek Restaurant at Garfield last night – and let me tell you, we ATE  some serious crab legs. We ate for two hours straight, and then I got sick. It was totally worth every last bite, though. You know the movie Matilda? Well at one point, a kid is forced to eat an entire chocolate cake (that would have fed the entire school). At first he’s totally fine, but after an hour or two, he starts looking a little dead?

This is how I felt at one hour forty-five minutes. Only crab, not chocolate cake…

It got so bad that I would crack open a leg and hold the luscious bite for about five minutes, just sitting there, looking like poor Bruce Boggtrotter (pictured above) before finally forcing it into my mouth, chewing, and swallowing.

Anyhow, my horrendous, barbaric eating habits are not the point of this post. This is another Ortego post. As we were leaving, Ortego told the cashier, “Thanks. Have a good night.”

And the cashier replied, “Have a nice weekend!”

Little did she know that this seemingly innocent reply would earn her the verbal bashing (out of her earshot, of course) of her life.

We left the restaurant and were walking back across the bridge to the car:

Ortego: Why the hell does she always have to one-up me like that?!

Me: Who?

Ortego: The hostess! I said, “Have a nice night,” and she had to go and say “Have a nice weekend!” What the hell!!!

Me: Laughter

Ortego: And then I should have said, “Have a nice life!” But then she would have just said, “HAVE A NICE AFTERLIFE!” And then I would have shouted “BITCH!!!!!!”

I would have laughed a whole lot more, but my stomach gave an ominous gurgle at that point.

~Anna

 

October 15, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on Dear Ortego,

Dear Ortego,

I haven’t left a post in a while because I haven’t felt that anything interesting has happened/occurred to me lately. Yes, yes, I know we’ve finally cleaned up the yard, and now we’ve almost finished the cabinet refinishing, and Bear had a birthday, and some dude thought it would be fun to jump out of a balloon in outer space and free fall back to earth today, but really is any of that worth blogging about? No one wants to hear about my ongoing struggle to successfully murder the yucca plants in the front yard (my current strategy is to put stepping stones on top of any shoots that I find), or how I somehow managed to go through the entire story line of Little Big Planet already (which is a really great game, by the way. If you haven’t tried it you should), or how… well look there. I can’t even think of a third example.

One thing I did accomplished was that I finished several snowflake doilies. I would leave a picture, but I don’t really feel like it right now. Also, Ortego, you’ve seen all of my doilies as I have flaunted every last one of them in your rather reluctant face.

So, in conclusion, my life is often boring. Happy and productive, but hopelessly mundane.

But don’t worry. It’s only four more days and we’re off on our vacation. I really should make a reservation… Also I still need to get together a list of geocaches to find on our way up there, and a list of things to do while in Eureka Springs and the surrounding area, and also I still need to call and change Bear’s PCP. (That’s right, I still haven’t forgotten about that.)

~Anna

September 22, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on i’m never watching this show again!

i’m never watching this show again!

Okay, so Ortego likes Weeds. You know, the TV show. It was kind of okay at first, but as the seasons progressed it just got too ridiculous for me. The point where I wrote the show off entirely was when the main character, who was lactating, had her brother-in-law nurse from her overly swollen breasts in a restaurant bathroom to relieve the pressure that resulted from not nursing her baby for so long.

Ortego still defended the show until just a minute ago when he said this:

Ortego: I’m about to friggin stop watching this show! She’s copying files on her computer –

Me: Wait wait wait. Please tell me you’re going to stop watching this retarded show because of a stupid computer issue.

Ortego: No! No just listen! So she’s using her computer and her start button on the start menu is Windows XP. Then, she opens up My Computer to view the files and the window is Windows 7. Then, when she started copying the files, the dialogue box was some stupid Hollywood bull shit style that has never belonged to any operating system.

Then, get this! She closes the laptop, and she’s using a FUCKING MACBOOK! So she’s using two different Windows styles and a Hollywood bullshit style on a fucking Mac! What the hell??

~Anna

September 22, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on I’m funny, damn it!

I’m funny, damn it!

So me and Ortego were making breakfast the other day. I got out the milk to make waffles, and left the jug sitting on the counter. Then Ortego comes up behind me and pours himself a bowl of cereal. (Don’t ask me why he won’t eat my homemade waffles. They’re damn delicious.)

Anyhow, so I decide that I would like a glass of milk to go with  my waffles, so I turn to Ortego, who is pouring milk over his cereal, and say:

Me: Leave that out. I want some with my waffles.

Ortego, with  mock annoyance: If you wanted a glass of milk then you should have gotten it out of the fridge yourself! God!!

Me, confused: But – I did get it out of the fridge myself.

Ortego, exasperated: Damn it, Anna! It was a joke! Why doesn’t anybody think I’m funny?!?

Me: Well maybe you’re not actually funny.

Ortego, laughing genially: Ha! Bull shit!! Ha ha ha!!!

And then he walks out, laughing around a bite of off-brand Apple Jacks.

~Anna

September 10, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on 5% shit factor

5% shit factor

Okay, so you know how a thing can snowball without your realizing it? Well I’ve got a doozy  here.

This weekend, I decided that my house was disgusting. I decided to clean it up.  I would do the dishes and the laundry as usual, then I’d do the bathrooms and vacuum and wash windows and mop and rearrange my blue room. (My blue room is the spare room with the guest bed in it where I am allowed to use any paint color I like – bright blue of course – and put up all of my weird decorations that Ortego doesn’t like. I also keep my yarn in there.)

But, before I could start on anything, I walked into my living room.

Now, this was a bit of a mistake because we had really old, really nasty carpet in there that was causing a perpetual stink. At first it had been a stinky, old food, pet piss kind of smell. So I shampooed it. That helped a lot. Then, a couple of months later, it began to smell again. So I shampooed it again. This has happened many, many times over the years. Now, instead of smelling like food and piss, it just smells musty, wet, and a bit like soured laundry left in the washer too long.

So Ortego and I ripped out the carpet in the living room.

(Did you catch where the snowball began rolling down the hill? It was just there, when I decided to clean my house. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. It was really subtle.)

Now don’t get all shocked and offended. Ortego and I had been wanting to take out the carpet for a while anyway. The entire house has solid wood floors under newer flooring. A lot of it is too damaged to save, especially in the bathrooms, but we were confident that the wooden planks would be acceptable in the living room.

We were 95% right.

There’s about 5% of the floor that isn’t actual wood flooring. It’s a 1×4 hunk of pine from the lumber yard. I can only assume that the planks there had been too damaged to leave, maybe too warped to carpet over, so they were replaced.

And they look like complete shit, which is especially bad because Ortego and I are broke. We had been planning on living with the un-re-finished floor for a few months until we could afford to sand and stain them. Now we have to live a scuffed, but characteristic and acceptable wood floor complete with a 5% shit factor in front of the dining room door.

See? Complete shit.

And that’s a 5% shit factor that does not include the past 48 hours that I’ve spent in the floor scraping up glue, prying up nails and staples, and scrubbing. I’m pretty sure my back hates me now. Also my fingers, which are sore from all of the scrubbing.

And you’d think that 5% isn’t a whole lot, but in this case it’s huge. Those few planks of pine have ruined the entire renovation experience for us. There’s not even any way to cover it up with furniture and no rug is long enough.

But, and Ortego and I keep telling each other this: when we are finished, this floor is going to be fucking fantastic. You’ll all see. When we finish I’ll post a new picture. That picture will probably be accompanied by a over-long rant about how much of a pain in the ass it was to accomplish, but it will still be fucking fantastic.

And so, though I never actually cleaned the rest of my house, at least it doesn’t stink in my living room any more.

~Anna

August 25, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on Dr Seuss, Psychologist

Dr Seuss, Psychologist

Ortego: I want to write a book of really depressing Dr. Seuss poems.

No shovel, nor spade,
Nor rusted up blade
Can fill up the hole
That my father has made.

You know, in my heart? Because he left me? Get it?

Anna

August 23, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on Obviously a rustic sort of abstract depiction of an iconic robot on cream cheese is not the usual path…

Obviously a rustic sort of abstract depiction of an iconic robot on cream cheese is not the usual path…

So yesterday I made a cupcake ice cream cone for my niece’s first birthday.

Came out pretty nice, didn’t it? Cupcakes are my thing. I can’t do those fancy dancy cupcakes that are damned beautiful (even if they don’t look edible any more) but I do pretty okay with the homemade kind of cute. That and I have one secret chocolate cake recipe that I use that absolutely cannot be beaten.

I know, I know. You’re sitting there thinking “Well my grandmother’s recipe is better.” or “Duncan Hines does it just fine by me.” (or something less formulaic, but still on point) but trust me. My chocolate cake is the sort of cake that makes every other chocolate cake taste like cardboard.

Not that I’m bragging. Honest. Actually I got the recipe out of a Hershey’s cookbook. The secret ingredient is hot water. Hand to god.

Anyhow, so I’m pretty pleased with the cupcake pull-apart cake, but my R2D2 experiment tonight wasn’t quite so successful.

It’s just cream cheese frosting with food coloring painted on. I’ve used this method for decorating cakes (which I’m not such a fan of decorating at all usually, especially sheet cakes) and it’s come out really well. It makes a rustic sort of abstract image.

Obviously a rustic sort of abstract depiction of an iconic robot on cream cheese is not the usual path. I’m pretty sure this is why.

Now, it doesn’t look terrible, but it definitely makes me wish I knew how to work with fondant better. There were some really beautiful R2D2 cakes out there on the web that I think I could pull off if only I could apply fondant without it looking lumpy and weird with nasty ragged seams and uneven coloring.

Oh well. Maybe I should just stick with cupcakes.

~Anna

P.S. God damn it Christina! I’m about to change the name to Girl Unscripted!!!!! And I really don’t want to do that because for some reason it sounds way worse than Girls Unscripted, even though it’s only a difference of a plural!

August 20, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on secret talent

secret talent

So today the family and I were driving back from Petite Jean mountain after a day up on the vistas. (By the way, Bear totally walked while we were up there. Just saying. Big news.) On the drive home, I was working on my crocheted doily – doilies being a new discovery of mine as being ridiculously fun to make. This is my first doily, and I’m still way too excited about it. I tend to talk about it a lot. Anyhow, so I was crocheting my doily and jabbering to Ortego about how much I was enjoying myself when this little gem cropped up.

WARNING: Mom, you may want to skip this one. It might lower your opinion of Ortego’s sense of humor a few dozen notches.

Me: This is so much better than knitting, too. It’s much less of a hassle. It’s difficult to hold on to those huge needles when you knit.

Ortego: Yeah, and plus there’s two needles in knitting instead of one hook.

Me: Exactly. Crochet is much better.

Ortego: I used to knit.

Me, disbelieving: Oh really?

Ortego: Yeah. Only I used to use four needles.

Me: You knitted with four needles at once?

Ortego: Yup. One for each hand and two for my cock.

 

I think I might be crazy a little bit, cause I thought this was hilarious. It’s a good thing Ortego and I found each other because I don’t think anyone else but him could make me laugh like that and I don’t think anyone else but me could appreciate his humor.

Also it cracks me the hell up when he gets road rage.

~Anna

August 16, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on dear every scriptwriter on the planet,

dear every scriptwriter on the planet,

I would like to ask an apparently humongous favor: Will somebody please write a TV show in which a romantic couple gets together, is happy, and stays that way? Whatever happened to the phrase “and they lived happily ever after?” There’s a reason every fairy tale ends with that line. There’s a reason everybody’s heard it. It’s because it’s what everybody wants! Just take every romantic-comedy ever made. At the end, though it rarely says it verbatim, the couple in question always lives happily ever after. Harry and Sally, Sam and Joon, Shrek and Fiona, Ross and Rachel, Rose and The Doctor (granted, that was in a parallel universe with a spare Doctor that was half human, but the point still stands!). They all got together in the end, and that’s great. But do you know what I want to see? A happy couple getting through an episode’s worth of television hijinks together! I’ve only seen two examples of it in all of my many nights of television:

1. Monica and Chandler from Friends. We saw them be friends, then we saw them fall for each other, then we saw them get married, then we saw them have a happy marriage. It was fantastic. Romance without the damn drama! Ross and Rachel needed to shut up and stop being stupid.

2. Marshal and Lily from How I Met Your Mother. These two have spent the entire series either happily engaged or happily married. Frankly, I think Ted should jump off a cliff and shut up about how he doesn’t have a family because he has a perfectly nice family at McLarens. He’s boring and sappy and desperate and I hate him. I only watch that show for Lily and Marshal (and Barney. You know, cause he’s so awesome. Well, no. I take that back. I only watch that show for Barney anymore.)

Just for another example of bull shit drama romances: Luke and Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. What the hell? We spent all 7 or 8 (or whatever) seasons knowing good and well that they loved each other and wanted each other and would end up together and yet, for some stupid reason, they were only together for one season!! How depressing is that? And then, when the show gets cancelled, they just hop right back into each other’s mouths with almost no provocation? I’m pretty sure that’s cheating, and it’s most certainly unsatisfying.

So here’s the challenge, American media: WRITE A ROMANCE THAT ISN’T DRIPPING WITH DRAMA!!!! We could all use a little cheering up from time to time, and the romance genre is getting depressing. It could do with a boost.

Why can’t somebody just be happy for a change?

~Anna

Shit, I lied. I’ve seen three examples of a couple staying together: 3. Fry and Leela from Futurama. I know their relationship is hardly a main plot point in most episodes and is rarely referred to otherwise, but still. It counts. Damn that show is awesome.

August 10, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on I’m just saying…

I’m just saying…

Okay, so I don’t usually get on my soapbox cause I’m generally a laid back kind of gal. But seriously, let’s have a non-biased, academic look at an issue that I wish people would just shut the fuck up about.

Gay Marriage

1. Marriage is a civil union, therefore religion should have no impact on whether or not it is legal.

2. The United States constitution clearly states that the church and state shall be completely separate. Therefore, no religion (of any sort, form, popularity, or origination) should have any impact whatsoever on any laws in any way. Likewise, no law should be made to interfere with religion. Therefore, as this is aparantly a religious issue, no law should be made about gay marriage – especially if the argument against it is based on religious beliefs.

3. If your religion does not allow gay  marriage, then that’s fine. Don’t marry someone of the same gender. That’s your right as an American citizen. If your religion (or lack thereof) does allow gay marriage, then marry whoever you want. That’s your right as an American citizen.

4. Just because you’re a Christian doesn’t make it okay to persecute, put down, mock, publicly humiliate, or be in any way mean or impolite other people because their values differ from yours. It is stated very clearly in the Christian bible that it is, in fact, extremely NOT OKAY to do this. (examples: this one, and this one, and oh, here’s another, and this is a really excellent one… we can do this all day but really I have other things to do tonight. Specifically sleep.)

5. According to the Jewish religion, pork is considered unclean and is not to be eaten. Thank goodness they haven’t taken up a stand and lobbied to outlaw bacon, cause that might be considered to be a bit unfair to the rest of us.

6. Please don’t assume that if you don’t agree with someone, that you are automatically correct and they should be persuaded to think like you do.

7. The more you tell someone not to do something, the more they want to do it. That’s just common knowledge. So go ahead religious fanatics. (Insert sarcasm here.) Keep telling everyone what they can and can’t do. I’m pretty sure that’ll work out for you.

8. If you’re a Christian gassing about what other people should or should not do, then maybe you should take a peek at this verse: Romans 14:22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves.

The bottom line is that there should have been no debate in the first place. The constitution clearly states, in incredibly plain language, what to do in this situation. The First Amendment states that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” Therefore whether or not your God approves of two guys entering into a committed relationship that is recognized by the state is completely irrelevant. (They aren’t asking any churches to recognize it anyway, so why do so many churches care?)

This is not a Christian country, it’s a free country (as any elementary student will be happy to confirm for you.)

In conclusion I would like to simply state that everyone in America is guaranteed the right to live according to whatever moral code that they please, so long as said moral code does not infringe upon the rights of others (you know, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.) If you don’t like gay marriage, then don’t get involved in one. Do not force your religious ideals on the general population of America, however. I don’t care what religion you or your senator is. Why should everyone be forced to live according to your religion?

And now, for my final thought: Shut the fuck up about gay marriage. Why don’t we focus our righteous anger and our lawmakers’ (rather expensive) time on something a little more important, like educational standards (also this) and clean, independent energy.

Thank you, and good night. Also, again, shut up.

~Anna