panelarrow

Girls Unscripted

nothing good can come from this

March 29, 2013
by Anna
Comments Off on Rage Rant Following

Rage Rant Following

Okay, I am so friggin sick of this fucking picture right here!!!

484025_516097901754865_151386794_n

I mean SERIOUSLY!!! How can anyone think that this is a good idea? I mean GOD. (That’s a frustrated GOD. Read it as if I were saying it while clawing the air in exasperation and rage.) Let’s take it line by line, shall we?

 

We should flood Facebook with this

This is a call to war. This is saying “This is my message, and I want everybody to see it.” To flood an idea through a social media like Facebook is to desire a mob mentality with this theme at its core. I will return to this later, as people seem to forget that this line is here when defending their reasons for posting this picture.

 

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands: one nation under GOD, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all”. 

Now, atrocious grammar aside, what the hell? Do Christians think that they are going to convert anybody by making them say “under God” when mindlessly chanting this sentence during elementary school? Do they think that God gives two shits if he is their national mascot? No! Having grown up a devout Christian, I can tell you for a fact that the only thing God cares about is your personal relationship to him. And, having shrugged off that ball and chain (being atheist now) I can tell you that it is extremely unfair to every other religion/lack of religion to be forced to acknowledge the existence of someone else’s god and to associate it with their free government that is supposedly not based on religion!!!!! (plus a few more !!!!!!!!!!! for emphasis)

Even if US money and the pledge of allegiance had always had God included on them, this should be enough to get it expunged. But, as so many people are conveniently forgetting, “under God” was added to the pledge in 1954 (LESS THAN 60 YEARS AGO). That’s a century and a half AFTER the founding fathers established the good ole U S of A.

 

RE-POST IF YOU THINK GOD, OUR COUNTRY, OUR FLAG, AND OUR MILITARY DESERVE RESPECT!!!!

Which of course implies that scrolling past without re-posting means that I hate the military. It also implies that non-Christians hate the military and America in general. By posting this meme, you are painting us as the bad guys and as ungrateful cowards. Not believing in god doesn’t mean I am ungrateful to or disrespectful of the military. How is there even a connection between the two?

 

Let’s just see how many AMERICANS will repost.

Again with the grammar. They can’t even decide on how to spell re-post twice in one meme. But I digress.

This is the bit that infuriates me. This is the part where the bigot says, quite plainly, that in order to be American, you have to be Christian. It’s a requirement. It’s not optional. If you’re not Christian, and if you don’t think God should be in our pledge of allegiance, then you’re not American. Period. And if we’re not American, then clearly we aren’t entitled to the same rights as the Christians (or should I say “the Americans”). That’s not a big leap to make, not when there’s a mob mentality driving it.

And here’s where I’m going back to the first line about flooding Facebook. This person wants a mob mentality going around the internet that only the Christians are American. Then, later when I call them out on it, they claim that “This is just my personal belief.” BULL SHIT. If you want to flood Facebook with this personal idea of yours (in which you call the Jews, the atheists, the Muslims, the Scientologists and countless other groups un-American) then it is no longer your personal view. It is the view that you have clearly stated that you want everyone to share. And not only that, but you have outlined the first step in achieving that goal: by keeping God in our government (the pledge and the money, specifically). Maybe you didn’t mean that, but it’s what you said by re-posting this meme. And if that’s the case, then you need to be a lot more careful about what you put out there for everyone to see and judge you by.

 

In conclusion, I have the deepest respect and gratitude for my country, my flag, and my military, and I am an atheist. I should not be forced to acknowledge someone else’s god at any time by any ruling body, especially not by the American government. This is the home of the free. I am free to worship or not worship however I like and I am insulted by anybody who says I am less of an American because of that.

And lastly, to anybody and everybody who has ever re-posted this meme I offer you a cheerful FUCK YOU.

Goodnight.

~Anna

March 28, 2013
by Anna
Comments Off on Day Four, 23.2 Pounds To Go

Day Four, 23.2 Pounds To Go

Ortego doesn’t believe that I’ve legitimately lost 2 pounds in 4 days. He says it’s all just water weight, as I’ve had the green apple high step for the past week.

There maybe be a bit of sound logic there, but I choose to believe that I have made actual progress. Ortego underestimates the thousands of calories per day that I have given up. Literally, THOUSANDS per day. And boy, let me tell you, it blows hard.

Firstly, I friggin love me some chocolate and Coca Cola. Like, more than is usual. They are my small happinesses that get me through bad days and that make good days fantastic. But now there is nothing but giant black grapes and water.

Also, I have been having the weirdest symptom since Monday. My mouth constantly feels gross and dry like right after you vomit. It’s worse after I have a meal. Brushing my teeth helps, but that nasty flavor comes back in less than an hour. It’s like bile and limes and sand. I don’t understand where it’s coming from.

Today is the worst day so far, which is unusual because I usually have nasty cravings by day 2. I think my stomach being upset and my therefore decreased appetite have been working in my favor so far. Really, it’s the best timed illness I’ve had in a while. But, not being the only one in the house with the sicks, today the boys are working on my last nerve. Poor Bear has had it the worst. The kid has gone through countless pairs of pants in the last week as his diapers are too cheap to handle the onslaught. And he feels shitty, of course, and I can’t blame him. But for god’s sake, I feel shitty, too! And it just grates on my nerves when he whines and cries and wallows on my lap. And of course when he gets attention like that, Isaac (who isn’t nearly as bad off as the rest of us) also insists upon climbing up in my lap. He then proceeds to continue playing, throwing himself around like a crazy person, making engine noises while pretending to fly his legos around.

So of course I kick him out of my lap, but then I feel bad because Bear’s allowed to be there. Then I get even grumpier because what the hell did I do to deserve feeling guilty? Nothing, that’s what!

Then I want a coke because that has always been my nerve soother, but then I can’t have one, and then I get even grumpier, which makes me snap at the boys, which makes me feel even worse.

And you know what makes it worse? God damn Kaci and Bobby left a 12-pack of cokes at my house yesterday! Because they didn’t realize I had given up sugar, and because they knew cokes in the can are my favorite (how sad is it that I have a favorite packaging of coke?) and they were just being nice because I made them dinner, but FUCK. There’s a dozen frosty, crisp, refreshing cokes in my fridge and I can’t have one!! And Kevin has cut back on soda’s too, and Kyle has sworn them off as well (except he’s still drinking sweet tea as if that’s a better alternative) so it’s gonna be weeks before Kevin gets them all drunk. And so they sit there, in the coke dispenser (because my awesome fridge is cool enough to have one of those), they sit there in my fridge and they mock me.

And I get even grumpier.

But on the plus side, I’ve lost 1.8 pounds in 4 days. Right, Ortego?

~Anna

March 25, 2013
by Anna
1 Comment

Day One, 25 Pounds To Go

Okay, so today is a big day. Because today is DAY ONE.

Day one of what, you ask? Why it’s day one of cold turkey no sugar until I get down to 195 pounds. Thank you for asking. That’s no cokes, no deserts, no koolaide, no cinnamon rolls at Ci Ci’s pizza buffet. This is a lifestyle-wide ban on sugar (except for waffle syrup and fruit loops of course) until such time as I lose the 25 pounds necessary to get me to 195. At that point, I am allowed to resume consumption of said sugar, but only in such amounts that do not raise my weight back over 200. Ortego has agree to act as my will power for the duration of this attempt.

It’s going to be a very difficult few months, that’s for sure. I plan on chronicling this dark period in my life here on my blog so that Ortego and my mother can share it with me.

Some might question why I bother. I am not obese, just 20-30 pounds over ideal. I once got down to 19o when I was pregnant with Isaac and had morning sickness like that girl in the Exorcist. Ortego’s sister, Kaci, told me I looked like a crack addict. Clearly 195 is a good stopping point for my large frame.

I have tried cutting back on my sugar/coke intake in the past, and have at least got myself to the point where a glass of water instead of a coke doesn’t ruin my entire dinner. It hasn’t done me much good, though, because I have gained 10 pounds in the past 12 months. That’s not okay. I can no longer fit inside my pants. I have to wear my mom jeans that I bought while pregnant with Bear, and that’s depressing.

I am 25 years old. This is supposed to be the prime of my life and I feel fat and unattractive.  I hide behind frumpy clothes and don’t go to the lake in the summer because I feel ugly. It’s not like 25 pounds constitutes a national disaster or even a health risk, but I am wasting my 20’s. I’ll never get the opportunity to young and thin and attractive again. I intend to feel pretty, then age well, and not regret my twenties.

I’ll take a picture later because I am totally putting a before and after comparison on here. And this blog is going to help boost my will power. There’s nothing like putting it all out there and putting your pride at risk to give you that extra incentive.

~Anna

 

January 9, 2013
by Anna
3 Comments

so i had a thought in the shower…

Okay, so this thought came completely unbidden while showering tonight. It could be sourced to two different things: A belly button and Russell Brand.

Firstly, Ortego was telling me a few weeks ago about a study about belly buttons in which some scientist dudes took swabs of a few hundred (or something, I don’t really remember. I’ll try to find the actual study and link to it.) peoples’ belly buttons to see what kind of bacteria were living in there. As it turns out, there were several thousands of different and previously unknown kinds of bacteria in there, with only 8 that were common in more than one. A belly button is essentially its own ecosystem.

Secondly, I saw a video clip of Russell Brand posted on reddit.com in which he talked about the fundamentals of life. I’ll try to link to that one, too, but don’t get your hopes up. In it he talked about how what we call life and reality is all just a dream of a group of atoms or whatever. I don’t know. He’s kind of hard to understand. I took from it that our bodies are made up of a lot of empty space and a few atoms (relatively speaking) and that the atoms are not who we are, but what our physical body is made up of. Who we are is the dream (of sorts). We comprehend therefore we are.

Anyhow, so I started thinking about this, and then the idea popped into my head that the physical objects that we see and touch (including our own bodies) are made up of trillions upon trillions upon trillions of atoms that we can’t comprehend unless they are massed together. And even then we comprehend the mass and not the atoms that make it up. And recently (if the 20th century can be considered recently) we have discovered that protons and electrons are not the smallest particles. They are made up of even smaller bits of matter called quarks. And I’m sure that they can be broken down into even smaller bits, but they are too small for us to comprehend.

Anyhow, the quarks thing isn’t the point. The point is that our world is made up of teeny tiny things that we can’t comprehend, but really it’s all relative, isn’t it? It’s only so tiny because it’s so much smaller than we are. Then think of how tiny we are, how tiny the earth is in comparison to the solar system, to the galaxy, to the entire universe. Comparatively speaking, we are physically too tiny to be comprehended by anything except that which is on our own level.

Now compare that to the idea of a belly button being its own ecosystem. To those bacteria, a belly button is an entire universe. That belly button is too big to be comprehended, just like our universe is too big to be comprehended by us.

To sum up:

  • Size is entirely relative.
  • Atoms and quarks are merely the smallest things we’ve found so far, and the universe is the biggest thing we’ve found so far.

And so it occurs to me: to some being (size being relative), maybe a planet is as small to them as an atom is to us, and they have no comprehension of something even smaller within it. To some massive alien, maybe we’re bacteria. Maybe our universe is like that belly button ecosystem. Maybe our universe isn’t really a universe at all, but a “bacteria” colony in some inconceivably huge alien’s belly button. And there are billions of other aliens with billions of other belly buttons. And none of them even know we’re here.

Think about it. (In the shower.)

~Anna

December 29, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on The Guyver

The Guyver

Me: Daniel, did you hear they’re finally making a movie out of The Giver?

Daniel: No. I never read that book.

Me, shocked: You’ve never read…

Daniel: I was always too upset that it wasn’t The Guyver.

Ortego: *Uncontrollable laughter*

Me: …

Daniel: You know, Mark Hamill was The Guyver? There were like three of them. He did it right after Star Wars.

Me: … Are you kidding me right now?

Daniel: I even thought the old man on the front cover was Mark Hamill.

Me: …

Me: What?

Daniel: Please tell me you know what I’m talking about.

Ortego: *Uncontrollable laughter*

~Anna

December 29, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on There’s nothing wrong with that statement.

There’s nothing wrong with that statement.

So, my brother (Daniel), Ortego, and I are watching Star Wars II. This ensued.

Daniel: Could you imagine being the most powerful and intelligent person for a thousand years? Yoda is so bad ass.

Ortego: I’d rather be Harry Potter.

Me: …

Daniel: …

Ortego: Well, not Harry Potter, but a wizard.

Daniel: You’d rather be a wizard?

Ortego, shrugging: There’s nothing odd about that statement. I’d rather be a wizard than a Jedi.

Then came a long and viscous argument about a battle between a wizard and Yoda. It was epic. There was talk about Yoda changing the molecular patterns of the air.

~Anna

December 26, 2012
by Anna
2 Comments

The Polar Express: A Tale of Horror

So it has been a friggin long time since I’ve posted anything. It’s been nearly two months. I could give all sorts of excuses. It’s been a hectic holiday season. I had a very time-consuming editing job for about three weeks. Nothing interesting has happened to talk about. But really I think I haven’t posted because it hasn’t occurred to me to do so.

Really plenty of interesting things have happened. Let’s see, there was Thanksgiving. Really that was just your average, run of the mill Thanksgiving, though. We gathered, we cooked, we ate, we cleaned up. Really only two things have happened that I feel are worth writing about, and I’m not sure I even want to think about one of them anymore.

The first is this: Thanks to reddit.com, I have discovered a new found dislike for religious or atheist comments. I was raised a Christian, and was devout in that belief through my entire childhood and adolescence. I have since made the switch to atheism for reasons that I am truly tired of repeating to myself, to family, and to strangers on the internet. I have discovered that the argument is self-perpetuating. The more you argue one side, the more the other side bands together to gang up on you. I wish everybody would just shut up about it. The choice to be atheist or religious is so completely personal. Nobody can truly change your mind about something like that. It’s something you have to come to on your own in your own time.

Looking at that little paragraph, it seems so small and short. Really I spent weeks arguing about it on the internet and learning some hard lessons (and annoying Ortego) about the whole thing. You had all better be grateful I didn’t feel like blogging during those weeks because I bet I would have gotten really preachy about it.

The other thing is The Polar Express. Two weeks ago, my mother introduced it to Isaac, who is currently obsessed with trains. We have since watched it at least twice per day. Right now were on viewing number three for today (I’m a bad mother. My child has watched the same movie three times today.)

Anyhow, seeing as I’m not really interested in the movie, I’ve only half watched it while doing other things. The result: I have decided that The Polar Express is really a horror movie.

I’ll elaborate.

The movie begins with a mysterious train that comes in the middle of the night to lure little children out of their beds. The children are bribed with sweets and promises of magical destinations. At one point, a little boy pulls the emergency brake, and the conductor comes and yells at him, obviously terrified that his prey will escape.

Next, a little girl loses her ticket. The mean conductor is upset, and he removes the girl from the group to be punished. I can only assume she will be fed to the boiler.

Now, at this point I must have dosed off, because the next thing I know the main character is on top of the train, drinking coffee with a man who turns out to be a ghost. He looks and sounds exactly like the mean conductor, which is surreal and raises terrifying questions in the viewer.

Again, I must have dozed for a bit, because next the main character, along with the girl who lost her ticket (who miraculously escaped the boiler) have been taken by the mean conductor into a car filled with broken toys. These toys are clearly trophies, having belonged to other bad children who lost their tickets and were fed to the boiler. The toys are, of course, possessed, and they attack the main character and his little girlfriend.

Later I find that no children died, though. All of those naughty little children were given to the mysterious Mr. C., who then ate their souls, shrinking them down into elf-size, and then put them to work in his slave colony. They build toys to perpetuate the “Good St. Nick” reputation that he has carefully cultivated through the decades.

These souls provide Mr. C. with a great stature and long life, though such atrocities have turned his hair and beard white.

It is at this point that I realize that Mr. C., the mean conductor, and the Christmas ghost are all the same entity. He must have the ability to project himself into the minds of children, and must do so because he has no other adults to use for his nefarious schemes, only soulless elves.

Somehow, all of the children manage to strike some sort of deal with Mr. C. I assume it has something to do with the main character stealing one of his magic bells. They are delivered back to their homes. It is at this point that the narrator, who is supposed to be the main character telling the story of his childhood, begins speaking again. He has the same voice as Mr. C., which leads me to believe that his evil telepathy can even penetrate my head through the TV. None of us is safe.

God. It’s cold in my house.

November 16, 2012
by Anna
2 Comments

Crap, I forgot to think of a title.

Oh my god, guys. I just watched my parents obese cocker spaniel spend no less than five minutes working up the courage to climb up on a step stool (placed specifically for her to get up on the couch) and then heave herself onto the couch. I tried to take her picture just now to give you a genuine idea of how fat she is, but the flash on my phone made her look like a demon dog. Oh hell! I’m posting it anyways!

 

She doesn’t look very fat in this picture, but I guarantee you it’s comical to watch her try to jump up on the couch.

So I never posted our Halloween costumes, so TA-DAA!!! Fifteen days late and here they are!!!

There’s Isaac as Chucky. I bought him that knife a month ago and hid it in the top of the closet. He was so happy to get it back that he wouldn’t let go of it all night, thus completing the illusion! I’m such a genius!

And there’s me! That little brain slug was a bitch to make, but totally worth it.

And Bear is dressed as Pubert Addams! He totally pulled it off, too.

 

All that black goop in Bear’s hair looked really gross, but at least it was black. Both of the boys were recognized by nearly everybody, and I was the only proud parent of actually scary children. Every other kid at the little community trick-or-treat thing was dressed as batman, spider man, a fairy, or a cute little witch.  I know, I know, my day is coming. In a year or two Isaac will be old enough to choose his own costume and he’ll probably want to go as a Power Ranger or some shit, but whatever. I got to pick their costumes this year and I loved it!

I am fighting sleep. I’m at my parents house. Everyone is asleep and it’s not even eleven. It feels wrong to go to bed but I’m seriously considering it. It seems like such a waste of the alone time. I already tried calling Ortego, but the layabout has already gone to bed. And I just gave him Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for our anniversary  too. He should be staying up all night playing that game, damn it! Also talking to me on the telephone!!

I’m just kidding, Ortego. I don’t blame you a bit for being tired and going to bed at the usual time. I’m the idiot whose considering staying up to watch a movie even though I’m ready for bed right now. God. This is sad. I’m 25 years old and can’t make it to eleven o’clock. This is what comes of having children. Be warned!

Screw it. I’m going to bed.

~Anna

October 31, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on Mmm… gore!

Mmm… gore!

So it’s nearly 2 in the morning, (technically Halloween now) and I’m wide awake. Can’t sleep at all. And that really sucks because we have a big day tomorrow.

Tonight I tried something new and interesting: sugar glass. Voila!

mmm… gore!

I was kind of nervous at first from all of the hype about melted sugar being culinary napalm, but it all turned out no problem. It even came out clearer (less amber colored) than the instructions said it would. I’m just hoping it survives the night. I’m going to decorate the rest of the batch in the morning. Apparently the sugar glass absorbs moisture, and it would probably end up melting from the moisture in the frosting.

All in all, I think this Halloween experiment has worked out just fine.

This past weekend Ortego and I installed a new back door. I’d post a picture of it, but it’s dark right now seeing as it’s nearly 2 in the morning. It all went pretty smoothly. First, we had to rebuild the sub floor where the door would rest as every bit of what used to be there had rotted away. This seems to be a recurring theme in my house, rot. Anyhow, so we cleared out the dust and rubble, Ortego built a new supported sub floor, and we installed the door. This took all god damn day, but success! It was beautiful! We decided to leave the trim until Sunday, as we were all crazy tired.

So we got up Sunday morning and went to put on trim when: FUCK. The entire door is set at a crooked angle. No trim would ever fit there. So what did we do? Why, we took that door out again. I’m telling you, it took longer to remove the door from its spot than it did to put it back in again.

Anyhow, we finally got the door back in again, trimmed it out, and now I’m just putting off the caulking. (Don’t worry, I got plenty of “that’s what she said” jokes as Ortego was talking about the caulking that needed done.)

Tomorrow I plan to post our Halloween costumes, as they are all genius. I’ve worked very hard on getting them together and I can’t wait to take the boys trick or treating tomorrow. Also, I can’t wait for everyone to ooh and ahh over my gore cupcakes. Does that make me narcissistic?

~Anna

October 25, 2012
by Anna
Comments Off on especially…

especially…

After finishing an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation:

Ortego: I’d love to be on a god damn space ship. Especially if I were a wizard. I’d fly through space.

~Anna