Ortego doesn’t believe that I’ve legitimately lost 2 pounds in 4 days. He says it’s all just water weight, as I’ve had the green apple high step for the past week.
There maybe be a bit of sound logic there, but I choose to believe that I have made actual progress. Ortego underestimates the thousands of calories per day that I have given up. Literally, THOUSANDS per day. And boy, let me tell you, it blows hard.
Firstly, I friggin love me some chocolate and Coca Cola. Like, more than is usual. They are my small happinesses that get me through bad days and that make good days fantastic. But now there is nothing but giant black grapes and water.
Also, I have been having the weirdest symptom since Monday. My mouth constantly feels gross and dry like right after you vomit. It’s worse after I have a meal. Brushing my teeth helps, but that nasty flavor comes back in less than an hour. It’s like bile and limes and sand. I don’t understand where it’s coming from.
Today is the worst day so far, which is unusual because I usually have nasty cravings by day 2. I think my stomach being upset and my therefore decreased appetite have been working in my favor so far. Really, it’s the best timed illness I’ve had in a while. But, not being the only one in the house with the sicks, today the boys are working on my last nerve. Poor Bear has had it the worst. The kid has gone through countless pairs of pants in the last week as his diapers are too cheap to handle the onslaught. And he feels shitty, of course, and I can’t blame him. But for god’s sake, I feel shitty, too! And it just grates on my nerves when he whines and cries and wallows on my lap. And of course when he gets attention like that, Isaac (who isn’t nearly as bad off as the rest of us) also insists upon climbing up in my lap. He then proceeds to continue playing, throwing himself around like a crazy person, making engine noises while pretending to fly his legos around.
So of course I kick him out of my lap, but then I feel bad because Bear’s allowed to be there. Then I get even grumpier because what the hell did I do to deserve feeling guilty? Nothing, that’s what!
Then I want a coke because that has always been my nerve soother, but then I can’t have one, and then I get even grumpier, which makes me snap at the boys, which makes me feel even worse.
And you know what makes it worse? God damn Kaci and Bobby left a 12-pack of cokes at my house yesterday! Because they didn’t realize I had given up sugar, and because they knew cokes in the can are my favorite (how sad is it that I have a favorite packaging of coke?) and they were just being nice because I made them dinner, but FUCK. There’s a dozen frosty, crisp, refreshing cokes in my fridge and I can’t have one!! And Kevin has cut back on soda’s too, and Kyle has sworn them off as well (except he’s still drinking sweet tea as if that’s a better alternative) so it’s gonna be weeks before Kevin gets them all drunk. And so they sit there, in the coke dispenser (because my awesome fridge is cool enough to have one of those), they sit there in my fridge and they mock me.
And I get even grumpier.
But on the plus side, I’ve lost 1.8 pounds in 4 days. Right, Ortego?